drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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