For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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