so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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