I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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