i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
