So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Let's get the cat blown out
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
