Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
