i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
