watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
