last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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