i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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