I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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