the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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