god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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