this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
