Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
