i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
