I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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