she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
please come you make the beer taste better
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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