i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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