there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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