I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
