it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
