pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize