my phone needs a breathalizer
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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