i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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