I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize