really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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