my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
