My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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