I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
