Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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