My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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