Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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