You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
