I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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