I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
