why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
