God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize