First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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