All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
