I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
