dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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