dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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