I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
