I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
