He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
