tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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