Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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