this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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