i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize