My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
