I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
