Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
