i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
