So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
