so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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