Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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