She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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