Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
