the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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