I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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