my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
