At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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