i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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